painpoetry:

man i recognize now as ive talked it out how toxic j*y was to my mental health. Plus i just could never shake the predatory comments they made. whenever i saw them i could hear them saying how they wanted to wait until c**i was 18 to date them.

and then i think about how young i was when they wanted to kiss me at RTX even tho i was not comfortable and i KNEW what they were doing but didnt know how to say no or how to get away. or the time they did kiss me a few years later and i was SO drunk i dont even remember consenting (i may have but i was severly under the influence) 

i hate feeling demonized for my reactions. i had so many behind the scene pressures/stressors and my medication was warping my reality it was a perfect storm for me to meltdown and just run away.

I know i shouldnt have and i feel bad for everyone that got hurt; even stan. Idk if he goes by stan or his pronouns but ill respect what i knew and i’ll change it once/if i know better. i dont want to look at their accounts and seem stalky bc im not at all

its just been a heavy therapy discussion lately bc i felt like i was doing so bad then and i couldnt understand why i got so bad and shes helped me a lot realize WHY i am reactive

therapy is helping its just learning and understanding and forgiving parts of myself. my inner teen is the scariest its so angry and volatile and i feel like when i do try to comfort it its immediately lashing back out at me. i trained that part of me to hate help and push and shove anyone away for it and its so difficult to retrain urself after that.

but ill still be the bad guy if ppl want me to be i guess. its easier for them to push that blame onto me when i dont feel it was entirely my fault i reacted the way i did. 

like did no one think it was weird? 

why did no one question my reactivity?

or did yall just listen to whatever j*y had to say?

my partners words were also not mine and part of a discussion we had had about me growing up/family/etc i asked that no comments be made about anyone while i SB’d bc i knew i wasnt mentally right. i was just trying to escape and clear my thoughts

idk i guess its just normal for me to be unheard

im not a bad person for struggling so bad

i dont think anyone understands how suicidal i was and how bad i was struggling and not taking care of myself 

aliengelic-princess:

idk i think im just tired

i havent felt that tough/mean persona in years ive really softened up a lot and i feel very sensitive

valentina-poem:

stay-close:

In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me: I did it myself.

— Haruki Murakami